Monday, January 11, 2010

(All) Wet Dreams

Larry Ellison to Join Newport Laser Frostbite Fleet

A press release sent from Oracle Inc announced Larry Ellison’s intention to move to Newport, RI and take over the Laser Frostbite Series with the intention to make a few changes.

Mr Ellison has had his design team construct a new Laser, completely fabricated out of the latest carbon fiber and is reported to be 99.9 feet long and weigh 14 pounds. Not having a conventional sail, it has a composite mast rig that is copied from the wing of a Boeing Dreamliner and stands 172 feet high.

Crewing such a boat is deemed impossible so the vessel is equipped with a 175 hp engine from a Woodsman Whisper-chipper which operates hydraulic foil controls, steering blades, docklines and a compressor/cooler for a titanium Olympia Beer refrigerator.

When one of the present fleet members, Darren Smithfield, 9, said “That sure doesn’t look like my Laser,” a stretched Hummer full of 14 lawyers slapped him with 23 writs and a date in the New York courts to show cause.

The mayor of Newport happily welcomed Mr Ellison and his Laser “Lazilla” to the historic town by the sea saying he expected the attraction would make Newport the next Dubai.

Submitted by Barry Auger

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