Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Pre-Season Tips

Pre-Season Refresher Course for Sailing

To best prepare yourself try these quick exercises:

* Sit on a bench with large metal fixtures cutting into your legs, stare straight up into the sun for 2 hours - for a more robust workout: invite 4 friends to come over and yell at you the whole time

* Go out and get very drunk, sleep 4 hours, then stand on a rocking chair for 6 hours.

* Go to bank and withdraw as much cash as you can - then set it on fire

* Sit in front of a commercial fan and have someone throw large buckets of salt water on you

* Cut limb off nearby tree, tie ropes to it, stand on rocking chair with tree limb and ropes - hold them over your head for 3 5 minute intervals drop on your head - more robust version: have friends yell at you in 6 minute intervals

* Pour cold water in your lap and give yourself a wedgie, now alternate between sitting and running around bent over

* Tie ropes between 2 trees and sit on a hard barstool tipping yourself into the ropes and balance - push your body against them as hard as you can for 6 consecutive hours - don't stop for pain or bruising until the pins and needles in your feet make it impossible for you to walk.

* Nail wooden blocks covered in rough grade sandpaper to your stair make sure the sandpaper is wet , crawl up and down on your knees in shorts for several hours making sure to catch your fingers under the stair rods and smash your knees into the banisters
* Make 12 sandwiches on white bread with bad meat and margarine cram them into a plastic bag, sprinkle with sea water- eat one a day for 12 consecutive days ... make sure the last one is peanut butter and jam.

* Tie rope to rear bumper of friend's car, hold on tightly, but allow rope to slip through fingers as car drives away - TIP: works best with nylon.

* Upon completion of above sit down and drink 24 Mount Gay Rums and tell your non-sailing friends what a fantastic sport it is.

Thanks to Chad Siemens for the above tips.

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