Halloween Definitions

· Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
· Boogie man: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
· Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
· Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer
· Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
· Goblin: How you eat the Snickers Bars you got for Halloween.
· Jack O' Lantern: An Irish pumpkin.
· Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
· Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
· Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
· Skeleton: Any super model.
· Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
· Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

Redneck Observations

In Issue 2462, the Curmudgeon got the attention of at least one 'butthead with this Observation:

You know you're a redneck when you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Here are a couple photos that were sent in, with 20+ more available by clicking here.

Redneck Bass Boat

The Redneck Yacht

Really Stupid Boat Names

A few weeks ago, the blog “Messing About in Sailboats” asked for submissions in their attempt to gather the Stupidest Boat Names. Scuttlebutt gave them a boost, and the end result was a list of beauties.

They have been categorized and unscientifically grouped in a totally subjective way that made sense to the blogger after a few beers. It might not have been the worthiest of causes, but Scuttlebutt pitches in when we can. Click here for the list.

Surplus wisdom

Faithful Scuttlebutt readers are the steady source for the Curmudgeon's wisdom shared at the close of each newsletter. Some are usable, some are not. Here is one that did not fit the requirements, but was too cute to toss:

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre Museum. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)

Cats and buttered toast

Every issue of Scuttlebutt takes careful editing and research, including the closing comments by our infamous editor, The Curmudgeon. In Issue 2456, the Curmudgeon’s Conundrum (If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?) has led to the following submission by Mike Esposito:

This is lifted from my alma mater’s AP chemistry alumni page. It expands on your Conundrum somewhat....

THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY...
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter attraction are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle todrive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device.

One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?

I offer a modest proposal:
We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use T-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

It's never like this

When you are buying plane tickets to San Diego, CA to compete in the US Championship of Champions, there is a presumption that of the many obstacles you are soon to face, adverse weather will not be one of them.

You will be competing against 18 other teams, all having earned their way to this event by standing at the top step of their class championship podium. You will not be sailing in your expertly prepared boat, but rather adapting to the fleet of supplied boats for the event, which for this year is the Snipe. You may even be teaming up with someone other than your championship crew so as to better meet the weight and experience needed for the Snipe. All these are big obstacles, but at least you will be going to San Diego, and will benefit from the steady sea breeze and warm sun that the fall weather provides.

Those thoughts were surely going through the minds of the competitors who had gathered Wednesday morning at Mission Bay Yacht Club, circled around a full-rigged Snipe in the parking lot, and being educated by past national champion and local fleet captain Doug Hart. However, the ominous clouds overhead were a reminder of the previous night’s rain, and the intermittent drizzle that had continued through the morning. The glassed off bay in the background did little to assure the promise of a worthy practice session in the afternoon, which was deemed vital to grasp the characteristics prior to the first race on Thursday.

As Hart worked his way around the boat, balancing his instruction between those familiar with a doublehanded dinghy, and those less so, you could easily hear the thoughts on the minds of so many locals, “It’s never like this.” However, per the Hollywood script, the skies cleared, and the seabreeze kicked in to provide a worthy outing to test out the lake-like conditions in Mission Bay, and to otherwise familiarize themselves with the first boat each competitor will be using in what is planned to be a full, 18 race rotation series. The forecast bodes well for the rest of the event as well, with races scheduled on Thursday through Saturday.

San Francisco to Key West

Here’s a ‘butthead that wants to get his boat to Key West, but he needs help and money. His plan is to send a letter to Scuttlebutt and see if we can make it happen for him. What are we now … the matchmaker?

"Looking for that couple who would like to cruise but do not have a boat. I would like to leave the Bay Area in November or December and arrive in Key West sometime in 2008. The distance from SF to KW is about 5000 miles through the Panama canal. I would like to find a couple that would travel/cruise as though the boat were there own, I would come along as skipper or crew. I have owned this 45' Dufour 12000ct since 1982 and have cruised the Med,Carib,So.Pac, Japan,Russia,Alaska. (last year: KW>SF) I am now alone and would like to share my boat back to Key West where I reside and will retire. -- norman.davison@gmail.com"

Stripper poles

This was sent to Scuttlebutt this week. Between America's Cup rumors and this, we don't know what to believe anymore...

It's the latest trend to hit the boating scene in the US and Canada - dance poles are the latest craze! Talk about a conversation piece for yor boat! People are buying stripper poles and having them designed to match their water crafts. I thought you might have interest in this fun item.

Lil' Mynx is the company that makes these poles and business is booming with orders all over the U.S. (more than $2 million business.) It started out as Women using these poles to get in shape, unleash their inner sex kitten and now it gives some fun and adventure to your boat decor. The poles are so popular as a design feature that they are now available in an array of colors (pink, red, flames, rainbow and custom to match your car.)

I'd be happy to provide high resolution photos, more information, or set up an interview with someone from the company.

Jenn Hoffman, Senior Publicist
Orca Communications Unlimited, LLC
Jenn@orcacommunications.com
www.orcacommunications.com
------------------------------------------------------
Okay, we are soooo in a cave on this stripper pole "craze." We just learned that it is all Oprah's fault... here is an email we now received from Thailand:

(Monday, Oct 15th) Hi, as you seem to be caught up with stripper poles, we thought you may find the image (to the right) very amusing. Although pole dancing is alive and well here, especially in Thailand beer bars, the authorities don't encourage these activities on their public transport. It certainly is very invigorating and as a former part time instructor, I can recommend US housewives take it on to improve fitness and may even see their husbands rise to the occasion. -- Capt Marty Rijkuris, AsianYachting Ventures

No Love

Remember the ranting about poor sportsmanship from NZ following the 32nd America’s Cup? Knowing that us Americans know nothing about Rugby, a British ‘butthead couldn’t help himself, and sent a note about how the NZ All Blacks rugby team just got trounced out of the World Cup, which they were expected to win it. Their defeat was at the hands of the French, which apparently is pretty humbling, and a result for which they allegedly blamed on the referee (English)! To this point, he added the following joke:

What's the difference between the All Blacks and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the Cup longer.

I Met Mr. Clean

The US Boat Show in Annapolis, MD is many things to many people. For the locals, it is an event to either embrace, or run from. Loads of people travel into town, and a normally crowded destination like Annapolis, gets really crowded during this event. However, there is a reason for the crowds… the show is a major industry rendezvous and product display. I had the chance to meet with plenty of folks at the show, and here are some of the unique memories:

* Terry Hutchinson’s mom: I am terrible with names, so I hope she forgives the reference to her famous son. It turns out that she is a huge fan of Scuttlebutt, and hopefully not just because her son’s name is frequently mentioned. While I have never met Terry in person, I have had great chats with him by phone and email, and if he is half as nice as his mom, than he maybe he is not as ornery as some have said.

* Bruce Farr: While I was studying one of the new imports from Vanguard Sailboats, I glanced to my side and found Bruce doing the same. Having never met him, I was quite taken by the range of conversation that he allowed us to have. We covered a lot of ground, and he provided some valuable insight that I hope to benefit from. We left with a handshake deal that he would answer my calls in the future, which will hopefully help me from publishing something absurd about him or his involvements.

* Ward McClatchy Jr: I’m not sure if the McLube lubricant has an equal for sailing, but this stuff has so many applications that it is hard to imagine. Produced by McGee Industries, this family owned business is now under the reign of Ward McClatchy. While the marine side of McLube is small potatoes compared to the rest of their business, you get the sense that Ward likes the sailing scene. He and I had great chats while getting overpoured at Harken’s industry party, and then later as we stumbled our way down to Mcgarvey's Saloon.

* Mr. Clean and Mer: These two are locals on the Sailing Anarchy site, and are frequently popping up on the event circuit. They are very passionate about the sport, and I was flattered that they tracked me down for a nice visit during one of the show events. I was relieved that their edgy, profanity-laced personas remained online, and that we could share an insightful conversation about the media, event reporting, and international culture (can’t get too specific about the later).

Opti-mazation

Little Johnny and Susie wanted to learn to sail, and you did the right thing by enrolling them in your club’s sailing program. They met friends, enjoyed summer days on the water, and over time, progressed through the ranks of the program. You weren’t much of a racer, mostly spending time gunkholing about the local coves, but you would join your pals for an occasional beer can race. Your kids, on the other hand, were really into it. They trained with the Optimist racing program at your club, and starting to travel to local events. They were getting pretty good, but their gear was holding them back.

While at dinner one night, Johnny said, “Dad,” I think I need a new Optimist boom. I am getting killed in the breeze, which makes no sense since I am heavier now. My coach thinks that the 32mm section is bending too much now, and that for my weight I need a stiffer tube. The way I am growing, I am now worried that moving up to the 40mm isn’t going to last too long either. Can we call up the dealer and get a 45mm section on order?”

Dad had dropped his fork, hearing his son talk metric, and wondering whatever happened to this simple, four-cornered, junior trainer that his kids had learned to sail in. Au contraire my dear, the Optimist has gone high tech, with boom stiffness now being matched to sailor size. Here is the scoop from the McLaughlin Fall 2007 Newsletter, which discusses the reasoning why they offer four different diameters of booms:

“In wind under about 8 mph boom bend makes little difference because you do not sheet hard. But as the wind increases, the smaller diameter booms can be flexed (bent) more easily then the larger ones. When the boom bends the bottom of the sail flattens and the leach of the sail opens up or falls off spilling a portion of the wind. The wind does not create this bend entirely. The bend comes mostly from trimming and hiking hard.

“Assuming you trim and hike hard, skippers less than 80 pounds will benefit from the smallest 32 mm boom. The 40 mm boom is the standard and covers a broad range of weights, strength and ability (from under 80 to over 90 lbs.) Most sails are cut and tested with this boom. The 45 and 55 mm booms help heavier skippers get the most out of strong winds by not bending and therefore keeping the sail at full power. The new 45 mm boom was designed for skippers in the 80 to 100 pound range. While the 55 helps the heaviest of skippers 100 and up. Another benefit of the 55 mm boom is it is so stiff that no bridle is required in most conditions. This allows for more headroom so tall skippers are less encumbered while tacking.

“This is an over simplification of the science of booms. Personal strength, style of sailing, waves, chop, sail cut, and coach’s personal preferences come into play as well. There are always trade offs, like the fact that the smaller booms have thick wall sections for strength. While all the booms are pretty close in weight, the small boom actually is heavier. Who would have thought that?”-- Newsletter link

What education can buy

While you could argue that putting up a non-sailing video of college life is out of the scope of Scuttleblog, I think you'll enjoy what the value of education bought here:



(as seen on Mr Boat blog)